Dr. Phil's Personal Relationship Values

I read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue several years ago, along with several others of his books. They are amazing books if you are ready to take a direct look at yourself, take responsibility for yourself, and do the work, emotionally and otherwise, to get through them. They are more like work books than reading books, and I swear I filled a notebook writing through the assignments. I have a tendency to focus intensively on something when I commit to it, so I worked on several books one after another and actually had to stop midway through the second book I read, Self Matters, to take a breather. It felt like emotional surgery, and I needed to take some healing time before I could pick it up again.

During my down time from school and Principle Voices, I decided to refresh myself with the Dr. Phil books. As before, when I took the relationship test at the beginning of the book, my relationship tested in the above average category (originally with an 11, this time with a 9), showing improvement on the first time I took the test several years ago. Yeah!

When I came upon the relationship values, I decided I'd really like to share the first value here, because it is so good, and was so personally helpful for me the first time I read the book. I highly recommend any of the four Dr Phil books I've read: Relationship Rescue, Self Matters, Life Strategies and his book on family (can't remember offhand the title). I'm reading the weight loss book currently.

Here is an excerpt from Personal Relationship Value #1: Own Your Relationship (p.96, Relationship Rescue, by Dr. Phil McGraw):

You are fully accountable for your relationship. This notion may be completely contrary to everything you usually think about your relationship, but it's true. How, you must be asking, can you be accountable for a relationship when your partner is being such a jerk? What kind of ridiculous idea is that?

I cannot say this too many times in too many different ways. Owning your relationship means that you accept responsibility for creating your own experience. You are the architect of your thoughts. You choose the attitudes that you bring into the relationship. You choose the emotions and feelings that will control your thoughts in the relationship. And you choose how you act and how you react to your partner in your relationship. You own your relationship. You are one hundred percent accountable for it.

That means you can never again believe you're a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Be honest: you may have gotten in the habit of whining and acting like the victim. But I am giving you a "whine warning" here. Say good-bye to that part of you and, good or bad, step up and own what is yours.

I know that it seems like I'm jumping up and down about this, but it's all because I want you to get real about how powerfully you can influence your relationship by the attitude with which you approach it. If you stop the gloom-and-doom mentality of a hapless victim and replace it with the positive, constructive thoughts of a mover and a shaker, you will immediately begin to see a change. You can create an internal dialogue that is healthy, constructive and joyful.

I don't mean that you should take some fatalistic position of being trapped. This is not about you saying, "Okay, I got into this relationship, and it's turned out bad, so I accept that I made a mistake." That's not ownership; that's whining. That's living in the past.

This is about you taking a new, right-now life position. It's about you creating a different lifestyle that will enhance your relationship. It's about you waking up in the morning with a refreshing realization that you are paddling and steering your own canoe. It's not about blaming yourself for where you've been; it's about directing yourself toward where you are going. Let me tell you as bluntly as I can: this Personal Relationship Value is the major building block to your new life. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see youself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship. Your less than perfect relationship will no longer be a source of despair. It will be your opportunity to use your power. Problems truly are nothing more than opportunities to distinguish yourself. It is time to do just that.

Let me give you an example of how this value should manifest itself in your life. When there is something unfulfilling in your relationship, your very first step should not be to judge or criticize--there will be plenty of time to do that, if you must. Your first step should be to evaluate what you specifically are doing to cause that lack of fulfillment.

If you are living this Personal Relationship Value, you don't just get made if your mate is chronically late for appointments or dinner. You must instead candidly evaluate what you are doing to contribute to the occurance of this action of your partner's. What payoff are you giving him or her? Are you being unassertive in a way that makes your partner feel you can be taken advantage of? What are you doing that keeps you and your partner from dealing with this issue? What are you doing to enable this behavior in your partner, and what can you do to make him or her genuinely change? By looking at yourself, instead of your partner, you're focusing on something you control instead of on something that you cannot.

When you own your relationship, you must hold up the mirror to look at yourself. You will finally realize that whatever it is your partner is doing, you are either eliciting, maintaining, or allowing that behavior. Your partner doesn't just act; he or she also reacts to you -- to what you do or don't do. Your partner reacts to your tone and to your spirit. I'm not suggesting that you will always like what you see in that mirror. By being accountable and acknowledging that you have responsibility for where this relationship has ended up, you clearly will be coming face to face with some things that do not make you proud. You will have to be honest about the things you have done that have contaminated this relationship, and you will then have to resolve to stop and change those realities, decisions, and behaviors. Becoming accountable can at first be painful, but I promise that it will ultimately be very cleansing.

The time has come for you to take charge, to find a new level of personal power. When you do, you will have matured to a new level of functioning that will stand you head and shoulders above those who haven't heard the "whine warning" and continue to stumble through life being the victim. Let those unfortunate souls spend their lives complaining about what they do not control while you take hold and influence those things you can. That's what owning your relationship is all about. When you own your relationship, you don't hide behind anger and frustration with your partner. You decide how to start changing the stimuli that gets your partner to behave positively and constructively. You start changing the rewards and the consequences. You change the message and make it clear that you are not a victim but are instead a capable, competent, and self-directed individual who is willing to work and work hard on this intimate relationship.

When you are accountable, you are an agent of change.

Amen, Dr. Phil!