Grief. I feel detached from the holidays this year. I don't know why. I don't even feel motivated to get attached. I made fudge and it didn't turn out right, for the first time in years. I haven't the desire to bake anything else. I usually send out treats to neighbors and friends but the desire is just not there. I'm glad for the break from the kids' school schedules and routines. I've been taking advantage of a rare opportunity to sleep in late in the mornings, but wonder if I slept all day long would I still feel like sleeping tomorrow?
Since my grandmother died, I've been wrestling with questions about life and death, and happiness, and fulfillment, and loss, and what it all means to my daily life (or how I approach my daily life). I spent last evening with my family and extended family, parents, siblings, in-laws, nieces & nephews, and we had a nice time. We are all growing up, getting older, starting families, becoming parents, grandparents, and our children are discovering the world we helped create, unaware for the most part that they, too, are co-creators along with us.
We create what we live, and live what we create. Part of who we are is what we experience of others, and we can live that to our joys and to our sorrows.
I feel small; I feel great. I feel sad; I feel happy. I desire; I eschew.
Pain. Grief. I can't have a fulness of joy without a measure of it. I can't celebrate my new baby without grieving my grandmother. Life begins and life ends. My children can't grow up unless I do, and my parents do.
I don't want them to. I want the world to stop and let us all enjoy each other forever, but then what new joys would there be? What new discoveries? Can you hold back life and still reap its joys?
Can you love someone enough not to miss him/her when he/she is gone? Can you love someone enough to be fulfilled in his/her absence?
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Abstinence Until Marriage: Apparently "Extremely Challenging"
Apparently abstinence before marriage is "extremely challenging," according to a Washington Post article picked up by the Salt Lake Tribune yesterday.
There are some interesting statistics on premarital sex in the article. I wonder how Utah stacks up with those statistics.
I spring from a culture that frowns upon premarital sex. I personally believe members of our culture are more likely to marry earlier in life, at younger ages, because of the strong focus on marriage and moral views regarding premarital sex.
However, the statistic for premarital sex is so high that clearly the occurrence crosses religious, cultural and economic boundaries.
My advocacy of polygamy notwithstanding, I do personally subscribe to a value system that precludes sex outside of marriage. My husband has had two wives, and those are the only two women he has ever been intimate with ~ I have had one husband, and he has been my only partner. We feel strongly that intimacy goes hand in hand with commitment and fidelity, and we strive for a successful and fulfilling marriage and family life within our value system.
When traditional family advocates argue for their concept of family: one man/one woman (monogamous), I wonder if they also aspire to abstinence before marriage, and fidelity within marriage, and what % actually maintain that level of fidelity?
Or is their model somewhat more fluid? We all know that there are many family models and variations in society today. They exist, partly through intent (conscious choice in the arrangement of them), and partly through accident (divorce, recreational sex, etc.).
How do traditional family advocates defend their "family" model as the only legitimate family form when reality is something much broader?
Here is the article with premarital sex statistics. Think about it.
**********
Wait until marriage? 'Extremely challenging'
The Salt Lake Tribune wire services
Article Last Updated: 12/20/2006 09:00:12 AM
Link to Article
WASHINGTON - Everybody is doing it, and has been for quite a while. That's the conclusion of a study of trends in premarital intercourse over the past half-century.
A 2002 survey of about 12,500 men and women found that 97 percent of people who were no longer virgins at age 44 had sexual intercourse for the first time before they married.
By age 20, only 12 percent of people interviewed had married, but 77 percent had sex, and 75 percent had sex before marriage. By age 44, 99 percent of people were no longer virgins, 95 percent reported having had premarital intercourse, and 85 percent had married at some point.
The high prevalence of people reporting sex before marriage isn't new but has risen in recent decades, according to the study in the January issue of Public Health Reports.
For example, 48 percent of women born between 1939 and 1948 reported having had premarital intercourse by age 20. That jumped to 65 percent for women born between 1949 and 1958, who came of age in the era of protest and free love.
Among women born between 1959 and 1968, those reporting premarital sex by age 20 was 72 percent, and for those born between 1969 and 1978, the figure was 76 percent. The experience of men in those years isn't known. The government's National Survey of Family Growth didn't include men until 2002.
Welfare reform enacted during the Clinton administration and numerous education programs promoted by the Bush administration urge people to be abstinent until marriage - a goal that is "extremely challenging," said the study's author, Lawrence Finer, of the Guttmacher Institute, which has offices in New York and Washington.
- By David Brown, The Washington Post
There are some interesting statistics on premarital sex in the article. I wonder how Utah stacks up with those statistics.
I spring from a culture that frowns upon premarital sex. I personally believe members of our culture are more likely to marry earlier in life, at younger ages, because of the strong focus on marriage and moral views regarding premarital sex.
However, the statistic for premarital sex is so high that clearly the occurrence crosses religious, cultural and economic boundaries.
My advocacy of polygamy notwithstanding, I do personally subscribe to a value system that precludes sex outside of marriage. My husband has had two wives, and those are the only two women he has ever been intimate with ~ I have had one husband, and he has been my only partner. We feel strongly that intimacy goes hand in hand with commitment and fidelity, and we strive for a successful and fulfilling marriage and family life within our value system.
When traditional family advocates argue for their concept of family: one man/one woman (monogamous), I wonder if they also aspire to abstinence before marriage, and fidelity within marriage, and what % actually maintain that level of fidelity?
Or is their model somewhat more fluid? We all know that there are many family models and variations in society today. They exist, partly through intent (conscious choice in the arrangement of them), and partly through accident (divorce, recreational sex, etc.).
How do traditional family advocates defend their "family" model as the only legitimate family form when reality is something much broader?
Here is the article with premarital sex statistics. Think about it.
**********
Wait until marriage? 'Extremely challenging'
The Salt Lake Tribune wire services
Article Last Updated: 12/20/2006 09:00:12 AM
Link to Article
WASHINGTON - Everybody is doing it, and has been for quite a while. That's the conclusion of a study of trends in premarital intercourse over the past half-century.
A 2002 survey of about 12,500 men and women found that 97 percent of people who were no longer virgins at age 44 had sexual intercourse for the first time before they married.
By age 20, only 12 percent of people interviewed had married, but 77 percent had sex, and 75 percent had sex before marriage. By age 44, 99 percent of people were no longer virgins, 95 percent reported having had premarital intercourse, and 85 percent had married at some point.
The high prevalence of people reporting sex before marriage isn't new but has risen in recent decades, according to the study in the January issue of Public Health Reports.
For example, 48 percent of women born between 1939 and 1948 reported having had premarital intercourse by age 20. That jumped to 65 percent for women born between 1949 and 1958, who came of age in the era of protest and free love.
Among women born between 1959 and 1968, those reporting premarital sex by age 20 was 72 percent, and for those born between 1969 and 1978, the figure was 76 percent. The experience of men in those years isn't known. The government's National Survey of Family Growth didn't include men until 2002.
Welfare reform enacted during the Clinton administration and numerous education programs promoted by the Bush administration urge people to be abstinent until marriage - a goal that is "extremely challenging," said the study's author, Lawrence Finer, of the Guttmacher Institute, which has offices in New York and Washington.
- By David Brown, The Washington Post
Indonesia Polygamy Activism
I've been following the controversy in Indonesia regarding popular Islamic cleric Gymnastiar's taking of a second wife. I'm excited to see the discussion has prompted women activists to march in defense of polygamy: http://www.principlevoices.org/article.php?story=20061222091604741.
It's interesting to me that the anti polygamy activists who marched demanded that polygamy be banned entirely. Such an action would deprive others of their freedom of expression, freedom of association, and freedom of choice. It is a denial of women's rights not an expansion of them.
And why are so many people compelled to "ban" polygamy? Do we not respect our sex enough to believe that as women, we are genuinely, inately, intellectually and emotionally capable of conscious decision making in our relationships?
It's interesting to me that the anti polygamy activists who marched demanded that polygamy be banned entirely. Such an action would deprive others of their freedom of expression, freedom of association, and freedom of choice. It is a denial of women's rights not an expansion of them.
And why are so many people compelled to "ban" polygamy? Do we not respect our sex enough to believe that as women, we are genuinely, inately, intellectually and emotionally capable of conscious decision making in our relationships?
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Dr. Phil's Personal Relationship Values
I read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue several years ago, along with several others of his books. They are amazing books if you are ready to take a direct look at yourself, take responsibility for yourself, and do the work, emotionally and otherwise, to get through them. They are more like work books than reading books, and I swear I filled a notebook writing through the assignments. I have a tendency to focus intensively on something when I commit to it, so I worked on several books one after another and actually had to stop midway through the second book I read, Self Matters, to take a breather. It felt like emotional surgery, and I needed to take some healing time before I could pick it up again.
During my down time from school and Principle Voices, I decided to refresh myself with the Dr. Phil books. As before, when I took the relationship test at the beginning of the book, my relationship tested in the above average category (originally with an 11, this time with a 9), showing improvement on the first time I took the test several years ago. Yeah!
When I came upon the relationship values, I decided I'd really like to share the first value here, because it is so good, and was so personally helpful for me the first time I read the book. I highly recommend any of the four Dr Phil books I've read: Relationship Rescue, Self Matters, Life Strategies and his book on family (can't remember offhand the title). I'm reading the weight loss book currently.
Here is an excerpt from Personal Relationship Value #1: Own Your Relationship (p.96, Relationship Rescue, by Dr. Phil McGraw):
You are fully accountable for your relationship. This notion may be completely contrary to everything you usually think about your relationship, but it's true. How, you must be asking, can you be accountable for a relationship when your partner is being such a jerk? What kind of ridiculous idea is that?
I cannot say this too many times in too many different ways. Owning your relationship means that you accept responsibility for creating your own experience. You are the architect of your thoughts. You choose the attitudes that you bring into the relationship. You choose the emotions and feelings that will control your thoughts in the relationship. And you choose how you act and how you react to your partner in your relationship. You own your relationship. You are one hundred percent accountable for it.
That means you can never again believe you're a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Be honest: you may have gotten in the habit of whining and acting like the victim. But I am giving you a "whine warning" here. Say good-bye to that part of you and, good or bad, step up and own what is yours.
I know that it seems like I'm jumping up and down about this, but it's all because I want you to get real about how powerfully you can influence your relationship by the attitude with which you approach it. If you stop the gloom-and-doom mentality of a hapless victim and replace it with the positive, constructive thoughts of a mover and a shaker, you will immediately begin to see a change. You can create an internal dialogue that is healthy, constructive and joyful.
I don't mean that you should take some fatalistic position of being trapped. This is not about you saying, "Okay, I got into this relationship, and it's turned out bad, so I accept that I made a mistake." That's not ownership; that's whining. That's living in the past.
This is about you taking a new, right-now life position. It's about you creating a different lifestyle that will enhance your relationship. It's about you waking up in the morning with a refreshing realization that you are paddling and steering your own canoe. It's not about blaming yourself for where you've been; it's about directing yourself toward where you are going. Let me tell you as bluntly as I can: this Personal Relationship Value is the major building block to your new life. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see youself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship. Your less than perfect relationship will no longer be a source of despair. It will be your opportunity to use your power. Problems truly are nothing more than opportunities to distinguish yourself. It is time to do just that.
Let me give you an example of how this value should manifest itself in your life. When there is something unfulfilling in your relationship, your very first step should not be to judge or criticize--there will be plenty of time to do that, if you must. Your first step should be to evaluate what you specifically are doing to cause that lack of fulfillment.
If you are living this Personal Relationship Value, you don't just get made if your mate is chronically late for appointments or dinner. You must instead candidly evaluate what you are doing to contribute to the occurance of this action of your partner's. What payoff are you giving him or her? Are you being unassertive in a way that makes your partner feel you can be taken advantage of? What are you doing that keeps you and your partner from dealing with this issue? What are you doing to enable this behavior in your partner, and what can you do to make him or her genuinely change? By looking at yourself, instead of your partner, you're focusing on something you control instead of on something that you cannot.
When you own your relationship, you must hold up the mirror to look at yourself. You will finally realize that whatever it is your partner is doing, you are either eliciting, maintaining, or allowing that behavior. Your partner doesn't just act; he or she also reacts to you -- to what you do or don't do. Your partner reacts to your tone and to your spirit. I'm not suggesting that you will always like what you see in that mirror. By being accountable and acknowledging that you have responsibility for where this relationship has ended up, you clearly will be coming face to face with some things that do not make you proud. You will have to be honest about the things you have done that have contaminated this relationship, and you will then have to resolve to stop and change those realities, decisions, and behaviors. Becoming accountable can at first be painful, but I promise that it will ultimately be very cleansing.
The time has come for you to take charge, to find a new level of personal power. When you do, you will have matured to a new level of functioning that will stand you head and shoulders above those who haven't heard the "whine warning" and continue to stumble through life being the victim. Let those unfortunate souls spend their lives complaining about what they do not control while you take hold and influence those things you can. That's what owning your relationship is all about. When you own your relationship, you don't hide behind anger and frustration with your partner. You decide how to start changing the stimuli that gets your partner to behave positively and constructively. You start changing the rewards and the consequences. You change the message and make it clear that you are not a victim but are instead a capable, competent, and self-directed individual who is willing to work and work hard on this intimate relationship.
When you are accountable, you are an agent of change.
Amen, Dr. Phil!
During my down time from school and Principle Voices, I decided to refresh myself with the Dr. Phil books. As before, when I took the relationship test at the beginning of the book, my relationship tested in the above average category (originally with an 11, this time with a 9), showing improvement on the first time I took the test several years ago. Yeah!
When I came upon the relationship values, I decided I'd really like to share the first value here, because it is so good, and was so personally helpful for me the first time I read the book. I highly recommend any of the four Dr Phil books I've read: Relationship Rescue, Self Matters, Life Strategies and his book on family (can't remember offhand the title). I'm reading the weight loss book currently.
Here is an excerpt from Personal Relationship Value #1: Own Your Relationship (p.96, Relationship Rescue, by Dr. Phil McGraw):
You are fully accountable for your relationship. This notion may be completely contrary to everything you usually think about your relationship, but it's true. How, you must be asking, can you be accountable for a relationship when your partner is being such a jerk? What kind of ridiculous idea is that?
I cannot say this too many times in too many different ways. Owning your relationship means that you accept responsibility for creating your own experience. You are the architect of your thoughts. You choose the attitudes that you bring into the relationship. You choose the emotions and feelings that will control your thoughts in the relationship. And you choose how you act and how you react to your partner in your relationship. You own your relationship. You are one hundred percent accountable for it.
That means you can never again believe you're a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Be honest: you may have gotten in the habit of whining and acting like the victim. But I am giving you a "whine warning" here. Say good-bye to that part of you and, good or bad, step up and own what is yours.
I know that it seems like I'm jumping up and down about this, but it's all because I want you to get real about how powerfully you can influence your relationship by the attitude with which you approach it. If you stop the gloom-and-doom mentality of a hapless victim and replace it with the positive, constructive thoughts of a mover and a shaker, you will immediately begin to see a change. You can create an internal dialogue that is healthy, constructive and joyful.
I don't mean that you should take some fatalistic position of being trapped. This is not about you saying, "Okay, I got into this relationship, and it's turned out bad, so I accept that I made a mistake." That's not ownership; that's whining. That's living in the past.
This is about you taking a new, right-now life position. It's about you creating a different lifestyle that will enhance your relationship. It's about you waking up in the morning with a refreshing realization that you are paddling and steering your own canoe. It's not about blaming yourself for where you've been; it's about directing yourself toward where you are going. Let me tell you as bluntly as I can: this Personal Relationship Value is the major building block to your new life. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see youself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship. Your less than perfect relationship will no longer be a source of despair. It will be your opportunity to use your power. Problems truly are nothing more than opportunities to distinguish yourself. It is time to do just that.
Let me give you an example of how this value should manifest itself in your life. When there is something unfulfilling in your relationship, your very first step should not be to judge or criticize--there will be plenty of time to do that, if you must. Your first step should be to evaluate what you specifically are doing to cause that lack of fulfillment.
If you are living this Personal Relationship Value, you don't just get made if your mate is chronically late for appointments or dinner. You must instead candidly evaluate what you are doing to contribute to the occurance of this action of your partner's. What payoff are you giving him or her? Are you being unassertive in a way that makes your partner feel you can be taken advantage of? What are you doing that keeps you and your partner from dealing with this issue? What are you doing to enable this behavior in your partner, and what can you do to make him or her genuinely change? By looking at yourself, instead of your partner, you're focusing on something you control instead of on something that you cannot.
When you own your relationship, you must hold up the mirror to look at yourself. You will finally realize that whatever it is your partner is doing, you are either eliciting, maintaining, or allowing that behavior. Your partner doesn't just act; he or she also reacts to you -- to what you do or don't do. Your partner reacts to your tone and to your spirit. I'm not suggesting that you will always like what you see in that mirror. By being accountable and acknowledging that you have responsibility for where this relationship has ended up, you clearly will be coming face to face with some things that do not make you proud. You will have to be honest about the things you have done that have contaminated this relationship, and you will then have to resolve to stop and change those realities, decisions, and behaviors. Becoming accountable can at first be painful, but I promise that it will ultimately be very cleansing.
The time has come for you to take charge, to find a new level of personal power. When you do, you will have matured to a new level of functioning that will stand you head and shoulders above those who haven't heard the "whine warning" and continue to stumble through life being the victim. Let those unfortunate souls spend their lives complaining about what they do not control while you take hold and influence those things you can. That's what owning your relationship is all about. When you own your relationship, you don't hide behind anger and frustration with your partner. You decide how to start changing the stimuli that gets your partner to behave positively and constructively. You start changing the rewards and the consequences. You change the message and make it clear that you are not a victim but are instead a capable, competent, and self-directed individual who is willing to work and work hard on this intimate relationship.
When you are accountable, you are an agent of change.
Amen, Dr. Phil!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Happy Anniversary to Me!
Happy anniversary to me! While we were at dinner, holding hands, the waitress commented on how sweet it was, and was surprised to learn that we were celebrating 17 years together.
My anniversary and birthday are a few days from each other. My husband and I will be celebrating my birthday together, but then about twenty gal pals and I are hitting the town for dinner and a movie. It's hard to squeeze all this in the middle of holidays, shopping, etc., but after hours of shopping, I'm looking forward to some fun!
Great movie to see: Casino Royale. Wow, that Daniel Craig is one sexy hunk. He is an excellent Bond, on par with Sean Connery, who has been my favorite Bond, but I think the title has officially passed to Craig. He plays Bond tough, physical and sexy. Enjoyed the movie, highly recommend it.
Thank you to all who have sent me well-wishes on my weight loss efforts. I have gotten a spa membership to Gold's Gym, and been a few times, but need to find a regular time to schedule it in for myself where I can be consistent every day. It's tough to stay on any kind of diet through the holidays, too. My greatest weakness is potatoes and fresh bread. A roll or some type of garlic bread is a favorite, and if I'm dieting, I'll limit it to a piece for dessert, believe it or not; I'd choose that 9 times out of town over any dessert option.
My anniversary and birthday are a few days from each other. My husband and I will be celebrating my birthday together, but then about twenty gal pals and I are hitting the town for dinner and a movie. It's hard to squeeze all this in the middle of holidays, shopping, etc., but after hours of shopping, I'm looking forward to some fun!
Great movie to see: Casino Royale. Wow, that Daniel Craig is one sexy hunk. He is an excellent Bond, on par with Sean Connery, who has been my favorite Bond, but I think the title has officially passed to Craig. He plays Bond tough, physical and sexy. Enjoyed the movie, highly recommend it.
Thank you to all who have sent me well-wishes on my weight loss efforts. I have gotten a spa membership to Gold's Gym, and been a few times, but need to find a regular time to schedule it in for myself where I can be consistent every day. It's tough to stay on any kind of diet through the holidays, too. My greatest weakness is potatoes and fresh bread. A roll or some type of garlic bread is a favorite, and if I'm dieting, I'll limit it to a piece for dessert, believe it or not; I'd choose that 9 times out of town over any dessert option.
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