Big Love: Ana, Prospective 4th Wife

Alright, I've gotten some feedback from people who were really upset about the Ana story line. Mostly, they were offended that Bill lied to Ana about his marital status, removed his ring, and dated her (and kissed her), without telling any of his three wives. I agree, this is not the way our family would approach this, and my mouth did drop and I was griping to my husband about it every time Bill visited Ana and was deceptive. I kept asking myself how Bill was going to eventually reveal the truth to Ana, and wouldn't that cause a lot of pain for everyone involved? Well, they solved that one by having him dump Ana without telling her anything. That was a little confusing actually; I assume he decided to dump her because he had come to the conclusion that his interest in her was more sexual than anything else, but I couldn't be entirely sure because Bill was also upset with the fact that Margene had discovered him & Ana, and had taken matters into her own hands to get to know Ana for herself.

It was all entirely strange to me. Wouldn't Margene be more likely to confront Bill about the relationship, rather than go to the woman directly and get to know her? Still, I loved the scene between Margene and Bill where he takes her to task for befriending Ana (behind his back???), and she asks him why she shouldn't be involved since she is one of the spouses in the marriage, etc? I was shouting, "Right on, baby!" She should be involved; they all should have been involved!

Outsiders from the culture/lifestyle probably wonder at that very question, though: How does courtship happen with a new wife? At what point does the existing wife become involved?

I think I can answer pretty confidently that courtship varies from family to family, and group to group.

Many fundamentalist Mormon families have specific ecclesiastical patterns they follow in courtship. They wouldn't just meet a woman at a cafe and think of her as a candidate for their family. The process varies from group to group, and family to family, but for the most part, these families are very careful to be prayerful about expanding their families, and look to their religious leaders (if they are in a group) for guidance before they would even approach a particular woman. In fact, in some communities, a man does not approach a prospective wife at all; it is up to the single woman to decide when she is ready for marriage.

For independent families (like mine) who are not involved in any group or church, there is no church organization to follow, and no specific leader to seek for guidance, though many independents do look to their elders in communities for counsel and guidance. Independents are primarily on their own, like Bill's family, to work out these things for themselves. Some independents date prospective wives, and again, the boundaries of what is acceptable or not acceptable, vary from family to family. Some families feel it is fine to kiss before marriage, but other families don't. It's something each family works out for itself. Sometimes it's a husband who suggests a particular woman, but sometimes it's a wife who meets a woman and thinks she might make a great addition to the family, and suggests the family consider her a candidate.

For me, creating a polygamous relationship is all about being open with everyone involved; it is important during the "courtship" process that all the parties spend time together, getting to know each other, both together and individually. Building a polygamous relationship means that there is a group relationship and several dyadic relationships that need to be fostered and maintained in a balance. If one grows stronger faster than the others, it creates insecurity and an imbalance in the group relationship. It's important for the husband to spend private time with each woman, for the woman to spend private time with each other, and for the group to spend time together, too. That balance can be challenging to maintain but working at it from the very beginning, before the marriage takes place, can strengthen it and help create channels of problem solving in advance of problems arising.

My husband and I did not kiss before we were married. I had a friend who was completely scandalized by this. It was hard for her to accept that I was becoming a polygamist, but she seemed more upset that I hadn't even kissed him! She was very concerned that we wouldn't be compatible once we did kiss, but I assured her that I had everything I needed to assure myself that we were right for each other. I had a personal "witness" from God that this was my mate, which I had received after several years of prayer, religious study and some fasting. Once I received that, I embraced my new family with everything I had and fell madly in love with them all, husband, wife and three kids (and one on the way). I didn't know much about sexuality; I was very inexperienced that way. I just knew in my heart that if everything else was right, it would be worth the wait...

So, of course, I think Bill should have been honest with Ana and told her he was married. He didn't have to tell her he was a polygamist; it's silly to spill that kind of news to a complete stranger. They could continue to get to know each other casually, then he could bring one of the wives in to meet her, if at that point he had determined there was a possibility about her as a prospective wife. Additionally, at this time, if he was seriously considering her, he should inform his wives of his interest. This should all happen PRIOR to him "dating" Ana. If Ana was open to friendship with them, she could be invited to spend time with the family, and at some point would be told about their polygamy, still as a friend of the family, not in an attempt to encourage her to join it. Her reaction to the family socially, and to their beliefs, etc., would help them gauge whether or not she would be interested in becoming involved in their family herself, and developing the relationship beyond friendship. Okay, none of this addresses the very sticky question of Ana's immigration. I can't recall if Ana said if she had become a U.S. citizen or if she was in the process. If she was already a citizen, it wouldn't be an issue, but if she were not a citizen and became a polygamist, she could lose her ability to work and remain in America.

Okay, so while I didn't like how Bill approached Ana, I did appreciate the exploration of the relationship. I think it showed Bill struggling with his own motives, whether or not they were shallow or selfish. I was glad that he at least drew the line and showed some restraint; he did not have sex with Ana. He does not have an open marriage where the spouses have all agreed to sleep with other people. He does not have an understanding with his wives that he is free to sleep with women to whom he is not married.

I was very frustrated that Margene and Bill drove away from the cafe together, leaving Ana with no goodbye. Margene had been talking with Ana, and had told her she would be back in a minute, but then never goes back. What? Does she never see Ana again? That's it, the end of the friendship right there and no goodbye? How rude! That poor woman!

I did like the conversation in the car between Bill and Margene, where he explains that his feelings for Ana just weren't right; they weren't the same as his feelings for Margene. I loved that she cried; she had become friends with Ana and had come to hope for her to become more. It was an emotional disappointment. That was very real to me. I had a similar experience with a woman years ago, who became very close to our family but didn't join, and I very much loved her and opened my heart to her. It was sad to me that she didn't join the family; it was a loss. I could very much relate to Margene.

In fact, I'm really finding myself relating to Margene more and more as her character develops. I don't have the messed up family background that she has, the alcoholic mother or broken home life. I had a very stable, loving family. But Margene has a sweet genuine quality. Several of my friends, and my husband, think Ginnifer Goodwin is the best actor on the show; she plays Margene without guile; she's completely believable in her innocence and sincerity. I find that very interesting, considering she's supposed to be the most "worldly" of the characters, coming from the "world", swearing and smoking, and yet, she's the most sweetly accepting of the characters. You'd think she'd be jaded, but she's not.

Best wishes for her to receive a nomination when Emmy time comes around!