Changing Seasons - Fidelity in Marriage - Life's Revelations

I am not able to blog the way I used to. Initially, I had wanted this blog to be a place where I could really share my thoughts about polygamy, my family, my questions, my values, even my doubts.

Too often, though, people get offended at something I write and it injures my ability to do my job with Principle Voices.

I used to maintain an extensive journal and in the last few years this blog has taken its place. I'm not 100% comfortable with that because this blog went from being anonymous to being public, and more and more I am not feeling as free as I used to to really be vulnerable and open with my feelings.

I have toyed with closing my blog to family & close friends only, but then I figure I would probably just dump it altogether and do something different. I have also come close to deleting the blog, but I don't want to lose everything I've posted over the last several years, much of which really should have gone into my journal and hasn't.

I love stimulating dialogue, intelligent persuasion, but I detest arguing for argument's sake, right-fighting, name-calling, and leaps of the imagination into the ridiculous. I like dialogue that is taking me somewhere reasonable, that explores differences and similarities while respecting different "come-froms". I mean, I want to discuss another person's faith and ask questions and explore my own feelings about it without feeling that if I don't change my faith by the time the conversation is over then I'm either somehow defective or I've insulted someone.

I do believe that it is healthy to examine opposing views, to sometimes step into other people's shoes and even debate on behalf of opinions you might not personally embrace so that you can at least understand them, and sometimes broaden your worldview.

I used to debate in high-school. I did policy and Lincoln Douglas (value) debate. We had to be able to debate both the pro and the con of a particular topic. We had some latitude, not a lot, but some, to work within a particular topic, but we still had to be able to argue both sides.

I can see the pros and cons of polygamy. I see the things that are challenging for people who try to live it, and how some families overcome those challenges and make it work for them, and how other families struggle and don't have as much success.

There are so many different personalities and styles and ideas, and how they interact and blend into different families are going to play out in a variety of ways in their marriages, parenting, upbringing, etc.

I believe that LOVE is meaningful in marriage. I wouldn't want to be married without it. I wouldn't be able to give myself to someone emotionally or physically without it. I also believe commitment and fidelity is important. They are, to me, as important as love.

At different times in my teen and young adult years, I weighed out these values with each other. Which ones were more important than others? Was I willing to sacrifice love for a decent guy who would be strong in his religious values and beliefs and be a faithful husband and devoted father? Was I willing to sacrifice a marriage commitment for love? Would I be happier waiting on marriage altogether and pursuing college and a career first? Could I do that and still maintain my personal commitment to "marriage" and sexual abstinence (while single)?

As you weigh out your values, the strongest ones intersect with each other to support the decisions you make.

I was not willing to sacrifice commitment, fidelity or love. I wanted them all. It wasn't enough for me to give myself to someone simply because he pledged his love to me. I wanted more of a commitment than a pledge of the heart. I wasn't willing to give my body without a commitment of fidelity and inter-dependence.

People often ask me how can a man who has a propensity to love more than one woman remain faithful to one? Well, I think we all have the capacity to love more than one person, people do it all the time. We choose to create boundaries for ourselves and use restraint, or we don't have any. Any person who commits to another human being in marriage, and makes a commitment of fidelity, is electing to close the door on future potential emotional or physical partners. It is a choice and an exercise in restraint in exchange for a benefit: a life joined with another person to move as "one" in shared goals, hopes and dreams.

It is in many ways a contract. Many times people don't recognize all the unspoken beliefs and expectations that go along with that contract. In my contract, I do expect fidelity, but I am open to polygyny, that is the prospect of another woman entering our lives and potentially joining our family. I am not open to my husband dating, sneaking around behind my back, scoping out candidates, sleeping around.

It makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever that Bill Paxton's character on Big Love would not be able to restrain himself from sleeping with Ana while they are "courting". Some men, however, do not have the moral character or personal restraint to conduct themselves honorably in their wife's or wives' absence, and do cross the fidelity line (some women do that, too!). Many monogamous marriages fail as a result of infidelity. Some men who are drawn to polygamy suffer from these same moral or character lapses. Maybe they think polygamy will solve their propensity to cheat on their wives? Maybe they think their inability to remain faithful to their monogamous wives can be explained away by an acceptance of polygamy? Unfortunately, that is not the case. Men who are unfaithful in monogamy are not likely to be faithful to more than one wife.

Further, any woman who thinks it is okay to cheat with a married man, better beware, because she's basically given that man her permission/consent to cheat on her, too. Whether she says it in words or not, she has said it in her actions.

I did not even kiss my husband before we were married, out of respect for his wife.

When I was a teenager, I had a handful of friends who were independent fundamentalist Mormons. One friend had very opinionated grandparents who kept trying to set up their grandkids with other kids in the same faith.

I remember really being put off by that. No WAY, no how, was anyone going to tell me who to marry. If I am going to make a life-long commitment with someone, have children with that person, give my heart and my body to that person, then I sure as anything was going to choose that person for myself!!!

I didn't have anything to worry about on that score. My parents firmly instilled a strong sense of independence and freedom of self-direction in us kids. They were there to guide us and counsel with us and help us make healthy choices for ourselves, but not to tell us who to marry or what college to attend or what career to pursue.

In the Bible, there were arranged marriages and some people married young and others married family members. My understanding of Hebrew tradition is that girls were always able to say "no" to a prospective groom even though the dowry and marriage matters were mediated by a father and the groom's family. She had the right to say NO. Also, a girl would have a certain portion of dowry that belonged only to her and did not go to her husband. It was for her protection, which I think afforded some, however small, measure of independence.

I don't write this blog to offend people. I don't think it's my fault if someone gets offended by something I write, either.

I may or may not keep writing. I've been threatened and my family has been threatened. I can be a mama bear when it comes to threatening my children. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more important than the safety and well-being of my family.

Thank you to all of you who write me with respect and share your opinions with me, even when you take me to task or disagree with me. I have enjoyed the interaction.