What is a Real Man?

I've been taking a 40-hour rape crisis training, and it has had a powerful impact on me. I'm going to be blogging a little about some of the things I've learned.

One of the most shocking things I learned was that "rape" is largely a crime committed by acquaintances rather than strangers. As a woman, I am always attentive to where I am, who is around me, checking the back-seat of my car before I get in, locking doors, etc. I am not going to stop doing those things that make me feel emotionally and physically safer, but I fully understand that crime is arbitrary, and victims of crime are deprived of their free will, safety and personal control when they are violated. That means that there is only so much a person can do to protect him or herself from a perpetrator. Ultimately, the perpetrator is the ONLY ONE WHO CAN STOP A RAPE (crime). The perpetrator is choosing the violence; the victim is deprived of choice.

I've had some people say to me that they thought the movie, Taken, was a great film because they really related with the father taking action to protect his daughter. I agree it was entertaining and ultimately satisfying because it feels good to see an expression of strength and power acted out against a heinous injustice. However, my issue with the movie is that the theme is that violence is justified (and indeed, the only remedy) to fight violence. At the same time, so many movies display violence as the only means of resolving challenges that we do not realize what we are teaching people about power and how to exhibit it in our relationships in healthy and not destructive ways.

Every relationship, EVERY ONE, has power balances/imbalances. Some people respond aggressively when their personal power becomes threatened; some people respond with violence when they feel threatened. Some people only feel comfortable when they dominate other people. Opposing opinions challenging their point of view or their belief system will provoke a mighty reaction designed to shut down that threat.

On the other hand, some people know how to share power and create relationships where power balances are more even. When I speak as a feminist, or an advocate of equality, this is what I refer to. Violence in response to violence is in my opinion a continuation and perpetuation of efforts to dominate others through force, threat, fear, etc.

Rape is an act of power and control, and sex is the tool that is used to subjugate, humiliate and dominate the victim. It is unfortunately glamorized, and sexualized, in the media, in movies and in advertising, with imagery that promotes male dominance and objectifies women. However, women are not the only victims of rape; men are also victims of rape. (98% of male perpetrators are heterosexual males, btw, which further affirms rape as a crime of power and dominance rather than sex.)

There are two very powerful videos I would like to share with everyone. I watched them during my training in an environment where I was able to share my feelings with others in the training, in a way that helped me work through any feelings of anger, upset, etc.

After watching Tough Guise, I realized that I haven't done a good job of validating the sweet, kind, respectful, nurturing, compassionate qualities of the men in my life. I came home, hugged my man, and let him know in no uncertain terms how much I value his sensitivity, his generosity, his thoughtfulness and kindness. I LOVE that he allows himself to be soft and tender, and I have the deepest respect for the fact that he is vulnerable to me.

So, with that in mind, I have a few questions for you all to think about:

How do we define manhood & masculinity? Are we allowing media constructs to define masculinity as violent?

Do we nurture the sensitive, compassionate, gentle qualities of the men in our lives? Do we respect our men when they show vulnerability? How are we raising our sons to honor themselves and the women in their lives? Was does it mean to be a "man", to be "masculine"?

Here's the video: Tough Guise


This next video is Killing Us Softly 3, by Jean Kilbourne. This video was more disturbing and unsettling for me because of the offensiveness of some of the images she included as examples of how violence against women are glamorized and propagated in modern advertising. How can a constant bombardment of these images NOT in some way influence how we view ourselves (regardless of gender), or how we subconsciously or consciously feel we are expected to behave by those around us?

Warning, not for the easily offended. This video is more graphic, and there is some brief nudity, disturbing images and blunt language. I have to admit, after I saw this video, I definitely felt, "Men Suck," but now I'm feeling better. Just the sucky men suck.

Killing Us Softly 3, Jean Kilbourne: